Gæslait

You see the morning rising over the horizon?
It's not.
It's not morning.
No, Darling. I know it looks like it's getting brighter every minute, but trust me.
It's dawn, as you've slept all day.
You were very unwell, sleeping all day long.
No, the sun is not rising. That's worrying... Never a break with you. Ooof...
I'll close the curtains.
Wait, don't get up. Darling - you're too weak.
You will get yourself upset again. Listen to me.
Listen to me closely.
I will take care of it.
I will take care of you.
You are clearly shaken up.
You can't decide right now.
Actually, you need me Darling.
You can't cope on your own. You clearly have another episode.
No, don't move. You'll hurt yourself.
You're always so dramatic about things.
Shut up now, and stay where you are.
Stop screaming. For fuck's sake!
Now look at what you did! You made me angry again.
The only person who still cares for you.
Or where are your so-called friends now?
Tell me, when was the last time they talked to you after your last episode?
Always those worries with you!
You're just overexaggerating things, blowing them out of proportions.
Without me, you'd just be a lonely, sick mess.
I should just get up and leave.
Just look at you! Completely lost... I'm disgusted.

Of course, these lines are an exaggeration.
Or could someone really make us doubt the sun rising after months or even years of paternalizing us?
Could someone make us doubt the very thing we experience?
It's relatively easy when it is about something we can see as clear as day, like the sunrise in front of our bedroom window.
If it is about the nuances of everyday life, if it is about motifs and the
interpretation of events, it gets really messy really quick.
In the depths and muddy waters of uncertainty we find the basis for what is commonly referred to as "Gaslighting", which can be a very subtle way of manipulation.
The term itself stems from the movie "Gaslight" (Gæslait), a psychological thriller from 1944 starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer in the lead roles. Charles Boyer, playing Bergmans husband, does everything in his power to undermine Bergmans senses. What he basically intends to do, is to make her doubt her own experiences, which makes her spiral into self doubt and phases of deep instability. From the outside perspective, it seems as if she indeed is the one close to insanity, as she doesn't trust her own perception any longer. Throughout the movie, we can see her struggles with self-doubt, intertwined with an eerie feeling of unease about something in her vicinity being horribly wrong. This movie is the reason why the term "gaslighting" is used to describe a form of abuse people coming out of narcissistic relationships can hold a TED talk about.
In everyday life, gaslighting is hard to grasp, as it lives in those crevasses where the perception of one situation can diverge heavily between two individuals.

Gaslighting starts, where the other person does not value the other person's perspective by downplaying or devaluing by using phrases like "Don't be such a baby about it" "You're just always such a victim", and ends where people simply deny what has clearly happened all along. In the end, one is left with the question whether or not the thing in question really happened. 

 

Gaslighting in real life makes people doubt their perception and keeps people in abusive relationships.
Because probably, it was just a misunderstanding.
Probably it might have been an overreaction of oneself.

It clearly must have been.
And maybe all of us are a bit complicated sometimes. Could it be, that in the end, the other one is the real victim here?
One might be confronted with reversed roles, as a result to the denial, attack and reversing of the roles of victim and offender (DARVO).
Let's just give the benefit of the doubt.
Because normally, one might think, it is about clarifying, not about domination.
Except, when control feels necessary for individuals to make connections bearable in the first place.
When free choices become a threat to the desired goal of dominance.
Or when what they strive for is not clarity, but influence for assuring access to some kind of source.
Let's not be ambivalent about one thing: The world out there is not the ideal we so dearly would wish for.
Some of us are not able to feel empathy as strong as others - especially individuals who score higher on personality traits associated with the "dark triad" aka Narcissism, Psychopathy and Machiavellianism.
On the whole spectrum of empathic selflessness and love for others to blank egoism and objectification, where can our re/actions be pinpointed?
Is it a repeating pattern of belittling we witness, or a moment of weakness and regression to childish patterns? Is the excuse only a verbal one, or do actions follow?
This is no article about Gaslighting.
It's an invitation to go within.
To trust what you witness.
To stand up for what you are feeling.
To voice the uncomfortable, even though there might be resistance, victim blaming and denial.
And first and foremost, it is an invitation to question how much truth we are capable to face ourselves, before turning away in horror, gaslighting ourselves back into a comfortable life, resorting to denial as a coping mechanism.
 

Go out there, be kind, be curious, trust your senses and follow your heart.